Hurrah For Grandparents

HURRAH FOR GRANDPARENTS By Dr. James F. Hubbard, Associate Professor of Psychology (Ret) UNC Pembroke, North Carolina
Over a period of twelve years in my Introductory Psychology classes we conducted surveys about the meaningful relationships of children as they grow and develop. High on the list were grandparents. I want to share these findings with grandparents of today. It should give them positive feelings about their role in children's lives.When they were small they have fond memories of their grandparents as playmates. They played outdoor games with them. They also played exciting parlor games with them which were much preferred to TV programs.. They remember grandmother's art materials. They remember making cookies and decorating them. These little ones had a special memory of visiting their grandparents when there was a new baby in their home. They felt on the edge of things at home but at the very center at their grandparents. They remembered some special trips to the zoo and theme parks. So many of them were introduced to fishing and hiking even with campouts and cookouts. Most of all they remembered how their grandparents treated them. They were not bossed or pushed. They really didn't make them do things. They used persuasion and talked them into behaving properly. Contrary to what parents believe, these children did not believe that they could do anything they wanted to do. They always asked. Misbehavior was very rare because most of these children felt that they were guests and visitors in somebody else's home. So many said that they had no desire to do ugly things at their grandparents. When they did make mistakes like tracking in mud on their feet. Grandmother usually did not fuss, but persuaded them to clean up their own messes.When they were school age some of these play relationships continued at a higher level. They were given help at sports or encouraged in music. At this age many grandparents discover hidden talents like singing and dancing and provided for lessons when they returned home. One student who is now playing in a music group got his beginning from a guitar given him by his grandfather. Another student now on the golf team gives the credit to his grandfather who discovered his steady hand and gave him some beginning lessons. A large number of these college students described how their grandparents had kept them at the books in their school years. They would call them up at report card time with both verbal and monetary encouragement. These students noted a different pattern during the school years. Brothers and sisters were invited at separate times. Cousins of the same age and sex were the rule. Their grandparents knew about sibling fighting and understand the need for separation. At this age they felt that they had more freedom from the regular routine. They could stay up a little later and sleep a little longer in the morning. They remember being corrected for misbehavior but it was accomplished gently with the use of explanations and persuasion. It is probably at this stage that parents felt that their kids were being spoiled rotten.In the teen years grandchildren were at more of a distance. Grandparents continued the relationship by telephone. Some of them were close enough to watch their team sports. They enjoyed telling their grandparents about their high school experiences both social and academic. Surprisingly many of them had serious discussions with their grandparents about issues arriving at this age. They felt that they could talk to their grandparents about drugs, alcohol, and sex. They respected their wisdom. They remembered how their grandparents had helped them out financially when the need was great. The grandparents of these college students had an influencing role. They were still fond of them and cherished the memories over the years. From my study of this relationship over a period of twelve years there was indeed a major finding of how important this relationship was.
Grandparents of today no doubt provide these same experiences.

The Lord Is My Shepherd

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD Psalm 23
The author is walking through the dark valley. The shadow of death has fallen upon his life. He is in "the presence of enemies" which attack his faith and bring him sadness. His mind will not rest as he is reminded of his lost loved one. Tears flow. He is "walking through the valley of the shadow of death."He sees the Shepherd going before the sheep as they descend into a valley between two pastures. The trees are tall, the underbrush thick, briars prick, and vines entangle.It is a fearful experience, but "thy rod and thy staff comfort me." He sees the club on the shepherd's shoulder ready to drive off attacking animals. He sees him take the crooked staff and lift up a wounded lamb. He carries the lamb in his arms until they come to a clearing at the edge of the new grazing ground. The shepherd takes a sheepskin from his pouch and rubs oil on the lamb's wounds and rubs his head gently. "Thou anointest my head with oil." The author can feel the soothing and healing touch as he prays."He maketh me to lie down in green pastures." As the sheep move from the shadows on the hillside, the sun shines brighter and the grass is greener and thicker. The author recalls his green pastures the shepherd has provided for him. He remembers his marriage ceremony, the birth of his first child, and all of the family experiences that meant so much to him. He remembers his friends with joy and appreciation. He rejoices that his loved one has had such a good life. His life has had many wonderful experiences. "My cup runneth over."The shepherd has brought so many green pastures and walked with him through the dark valleys. The shepherd provides more green pastures than dark valleys. There are more joys than sorrows. His faith triumphs: "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever." The Great Shepherd led His Only Son into the deepest and darkest of all valleys and brought him through victorious in glory. He points the way to all of his children. The good shepherd who lay down his life has brought eternal salvation.

Positive Living 12

Positive Living - Apologizing
No matter how great the effort it is not possible for people to be perfect in their efforts to promote positives. There will be times when thoughtless words will come forth. Criticism is difficult to restrain when a person makes the same mistakes over and over again. There are often very difficult encounters with stubborn workmates who do not seem to listen to suggestions. Changing a teen’s mind is a trying task. They seem to want to degrade their parents. Children also can become very difficult. Many times the offended person of all ages attacks with very hurtful words. In these situations negative comments break forth even with serious efforts to restrain them. So many times there is a two way battle. When a person talks back, this makes it certain that the self-esteem has been hit. Sometimes there is silence but the person’s expression indicates the damage done. If an apology is not made, the emotions of the offended person will be upset for days. Every time the person sees the offender the old experience is triggered. An apology puts an end to this repetition of negative emotions and restores the relationship. The person who did the offending tends to have repeated pangs of conscience wishing that the unkind words had not been said. These conscience pangs keep disturbing the emotions. An “I’m sorry I was so thoughtless to make such an ugly comment” relieves the conscience and puts an end to these feelings. An apology tries also to include comments about the well liked traits of the offended person. Children’s feelings are hurt when their parents lose their cool and make comments which lower their self-esteem. The wound may last for days affecting the child’s appetite and sleep. A parental “I’m sorry” will go a long way in soothing the hurt experienced by the child. Apologizing is sometimes very difficult but it is an important part of positive living. Knowing how much it means and how much it does for both persons should it reduces emotional hurt leads us to make the effort.
Apologizing keeps wounded feelings from festering,restoring a strained relationship.

Positive Living 11

Positive Living - Forgiving
Most people will experience abusive words directed at them. Often they come with an angry tone and seem to be meant to hurt. Positive living principles urge us to accept the words in an understanding way and forgiving way. When people explode, their emotions have reached the breaking point. Ugly words come from an unhappy person. Emotions are difficult to control. They have unloaded their feelings on an innocent scapegoat. This release gives them temporary relief. Stressful experiences in the lives of all ages bring them to the exploding point. Aggression comes from unhappiness. Nervous tensions have been released. We know that there is an underlying problem in the person’s life. We know that the person does not need more negatives to contend with. They need friendship and not attack. Abusive words alert a caring spirit to find a time for a very personal talk. Problems need to be discussed even if they cannot be solved. Telling some one about the difficulty and the stress they are undergoing provides a positive way to release the emotions that have built up. Knowing that some one else understands gives them an inner feeling of strength to contend with their problem. Caring parents understand that verbal and physical fighting in their children suggest that they are suffering stress in school or with their peers. A talk is needed. An effort is made to find out what is happening to the child. So many problems are a process of growth: A forgiving spirit keeps the relationship strong and leads to personal growth. Forgiveness is the “take” part of the relationship. It is extremely important in positive living. Keeping relationships intact means accepting abusive words of others with understanding. Outbursts indicate inner hurt. Positive living asks a person to understand the feelings and disregard the meaning of the words.Do not accept them in a personal way and make a special effort not to retaliate. This principle will be needed many times. One Psychologist says the lifetime average is 500.
Foregiveness understands that abusive words come from some unhappy person.

Positive Living 10

Positive Living - Gentle Correcting
In the course of everyday relationships both workmates and members of our immediate family will need to be reminded of their shortcomings. They keep doing things that are both disgusting and slow the progress of the required work. Some mistakes are so costly it takes hours to recover. Sometimes it is due to carelessness which can be overcome. At other times it is a matter of teaching new skills. Whatever the problem it is a difficult task because it targets one’s self-esteem. It is easy to make a person nervous and make matters worse. Improvement is the goal which requires a gentle and understanding approach. The tone is friendly and the words are slow, filled with positive emotion and two way exchanges. The discussion points out other commendable behaviors and shows appreciation for all work well done. The person is given an opportunity to explain, for there are often good reasons for mistakes. Directions may have not been given properly. Forgetting is very real. Listen attentively even to excuses and defenses without criticism or retaliation. Most people are already aware of their shortcomings and already have inner feelings of guilt. Caring gives them a chance to release these feelings. Confession makes a person feel better and more relaxed. Understanding comments and encouragement to do better will likely bring improvement. Correcting sessions are kept short, for bearing negatives is a difficult experience. Caring parents correct their children as gently as possible emphasizing growth. Making them feel inadequate is a blow to the self-esteem. When correcting the children parents are always careful in pointing out their good behavior and show appreciation for it. This makes it possible for the negative to be received without emotional damage. Parents are patient knowing that mistakes will continue. When any measure of accomplishment takes place praise and commendation is quick and sincere. Relationship conscious people use positive approaches when correcting people for their mistakes and unacceptable behavior.
Correcting people gently prevents self-esteem damage and promotes improvement.

Positive Living 9

Positive Living - Appreciate Individual Differences
Positive living appreciates the variety of individual differences. An effort is made to live with and adapt to characteristics in people which are difficult to accept. There are those who work very slowly and carefully. There are others who work faster and accomplish more in a given period of time. Some learn very rapidly while others need a number of repetitions before they catch on. Some people are very stubborn while others respond to suggestion without a hassle. There are those who like to talk while others are people of very few words. Expecting people to be different and recognize that changing a basic trait is not only difficult but often undesirable. Relating to the special characteristics of a particular person in an understanding way prevents negative feelings from developing. Refraining from making comparisons also makes the acceptance of personal traits more positive. You can be sure that people do compare themselves with others. By words and actions let everyone know that they are valued just as they are. Certain physical characteristics such as: largeness, tallness, and unattractiveness do not give people good feelings about themselves A special effort to be friendly to these people is important because positives are few. Even when we are handicapped by the behavior of other people, we try to accept it in a good natured way. The old saying “variety is the spice of life” is very true in everyday relationships. Without human differences life would become very boring. Caring parents appreciate the fact that their children are different in many ways. They let them know that they are not expected to be alike. They want them to be different. They learn early that the stubborn child will be stubborn from now on. They learn ways to try to deal with this trait in a way that avoids head on collisions. Adults are children in a bigger box as far as traits are concerned. Individual differences can be both challenging and interesting. The variety can be enjoyable. Remember that others will have to deal with our traits.
Variety is the spice of life. Appreciate and enjoy individual differences.

Positive Living 8

Positive Living - Tongue Control
In daily relationships there are situations when there is a feeling to tell people off. Sometimes there is a temptation to use even stronger words to tell them where to go. Frustration from other people’s actions or lack of actions trigger these feelings. It is thought that a few strong words will wake them up and get them to do better. Negative comments, however, do not usually result in permanent improvement in behavior. Degrading labels are very hurtful to a person. Loaded adjectives like: stupid, foolish, lazy, thoughtless, careless, mean, ugly, selfish target a person’s self-esteem. They create enduring feelings which are not easily dismissed. People store these comments in their memory and think about them often. Negative emotions continue to build up.This is especially true of children and teens, but most adults are sensitive to degrading comments from others.Judgments that are made may well be accurate and fully deserved, but for the sake of good relationships they better go unsaid. They make people nervous and emotional, interfering with effective work. They may lead to costly mistakes and affect a person’s disposition to the degree of unpleasantness. Negative comments are used often as a wake up call to try to get the person to improve. This approach fails more often than it succeeds. Caring parents are very aware that negative comments may lower their children’s self-esteem with long lasting effects, extending even to success in school work and increasing misbehavior and fighting. Negative feelings may well result in health problems like blood pressure increase, tension headaches, digestive disorders, elimination problems, and even sleeping difficulty. Controlling negative comments prevents emotional tensions from building up, preventing these health aggravations. A very important positive living principle is tongue control. Knowing how negative words affect people increases the effort to withhold words that hurt.
Use Tongue Control when temptations come to use ugly words.